Would you respect me more if I acquiesced, if I agreed to something I never held true... if I said I agreed. I would not for you if you changed. This is me, the way we have been for over two thousand years. I was not promised this would be easy, I was warned, so I am prepared for this, I would be hated, called hideous names, put down, yelled at by my own friends and family, and never loved in the way the world thinks of love...in the way I am trying to love you, not by agreeing and placating, but by simply disagreeing, simply.
But as many have said before me, this place is not my desire, for my soul could never come from your hands, from your victory or loss, from what will be so small some day in the eyes of forever...your anger, your hurt, your wants and desires for this and now....is not my forever. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am mistaken. Maybe, just maybe.......I am a human. So are you.
I am not trying to preach, I am not trying to change anyone, I am simply trying to explain the tears in my eyes and my head bowing low in sadness....you say your are not hurting anyone, look again.
The dresses glittered against the ambient lighting, the waterfalls reflecting in earrings and necklaces laced among white columned throats, black and grey suits wove in between towering palms and flowing gowns...music flowed from the open doors, a couple dancing fluidly by themselves in the corner, spinning and dipping in rhythm....perfume and wine mingle in a heady breeze...I stop by the open goldfish pond, large banana leaves slowly nodding to the rhythm on the water...I reach slowly out and gently dip my finger in the water....watching as the rings slowly send out into the still water...a strong arm gently leads me back towards the dance floor...I have been dreaming long enough.....
So after a long, gray, homesick week...I had a lovely opportunity to dress up, not once, but twice! To put on perfume, jewels and heels. It really is a cure in itself to feel beautiful and lovely, and to catch up with old acquaintances, and make new ones. Friday night was my Alumni reunion, and a wonderful opportunity for me to re-connect with older roots, and reminisce about a time that quickly is getting further and further into the past...I love connecting to my past, it has so much shaped me and made me who I am today...and seeing as I was missing my family so much, seeing all our old family friends and being surrounded by people who knew me and my family and laughing at memories was such a balm. And, introducing the new people in my life to my past...was lovely and made me smile on more than one occasion.
But the real night on the town was Saturday night, as my man invited me to a formal at the Phipps Conservatory! And for those who know me...I love this place!! Phipps is a massive glass Victorian greenhouse in the middle of the concrete and steel city...you can almost hear the peacocks and see the ghosts of women in gowns and men in tails wandering the expansive lawns sipping champagne and wine among the indoor palms growing far into the starlit night....oh, wait...that was what happened...
Okay, so ball gowns, to cocktail dresses, and tails to suit coats and ties....but still...it's elegance and lovely spring flower filled rooms make people stand a little straighter, talk a little gentler, feel more elegant....it's an amazing thing to watch. Oh, and the heavy scent of the newly planted Spring flowers was beautiful compliment to the scene of dresses, wine and jewels...all under the moon and stars gleaming through the antique glass roof. The formal part was held in the newer India rainforest...can I tell you I want to go to India now? The warm air, the sweet scents, the waterfalls, the orchids ,the tree house like balconies over looking waterfalls, goldfish ponds and palms...it was quite lovely. And the open goldfish ponds allowed me some time away from the loud music and crush of people. Which, I met quite a few new acquaintances...and had some lovely conversations, and made new friends. So past and future began to meld as I danced the night away..........
Sigh....a night not to forget soon.
I am missing home....
Now, my home up to about two years ago was a towering seven bedroom American foursquare house from the 1900's, complete with large porch, crawling ivy, working fireplace we all snuggled round in winter, and loose windows you could climb in late (which I didn't do any of, of course ;) ) with the sounds of the coal barges and trains floating up from the Ohio river at night ....the new home that I go to is a warm, open floor plan (with the most random pole in the middle of the walkway) newer built home in the Carolina's with loft bedrooms, lovely polished wood floors to slide in your socks on, an awesome kitchen that fits all of us! and the BIGGEST master bath I ever saw.( though the huge double bath in the Ohio house, had some pretty crazy pre-event girl parties) I miss both, but that is not really what my home means to me....that's just the buildings that I love.
I miss the noise and chaos of my large, ever growing family, I miss random conversations with random siblings and discovering we are all more alike than we seem, big sit down dinners with three people talking over you ( but you all know whateveryoneelseissaying!!) and lots of amazing homemade food, favorite comfort dishes and new crazy dishes to try by the chefs of the house, laying deep in the big leather couches with the dog sighing in my lap watching a movie with the girls, heading out to big porches drinks in hand to discuss life, love, religion and politics, my parents constant wisdom and support in this ever changing life of ours (still don't know how they do it, everyday, for eight kids, two sis in laws, one grandkid and counting... someday....) Currently scrolling through family pictures on my mom's FB page...and holding back tears.....I miss the light, the laughter, the tears, the struggles, the talks, the stories....I miss home...where my heart is. Homesick for me might be a little bit heartsick...
"for behold, the winter is past;
the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth,
the time of singingd has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away...."
the rain is over and gone.
The flowers appear on the earth,
the time of singingd has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
is heard in our land.
The fig tree ripens its figs,
and the vines are in blossom;
they give forth fragrance.
Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
and come away...."
Song of Songs 2:11-13
For one brief day the constant watercolor grey of Pittsburgh lifted, and warmth and sunlight spread through the city...and the city responded. But as us northern people know all too well, Spring is a slow dance, a desire mimicked by the other seasons....She knows all too well how to tempt us. One brief glimpse of dancing breezes, a single glittering ray of golden burnt light over the mountains at the end of the day walk home, and green scent in the cold freezing rain still falling....but, she retreats again letting Old Man Winter hobble on for a brief more time until she comes waltzing and joyful on to the scene. But, still there is the hope...small buds appear against the chilly sky, robins and bird song fill the morning air, and the snow never stays for more than an hour on the ground, green grass poking through...and my favorite... beautiful delicate snow drops and crocus fill the garden next to my house...the early promise of the joy about to be...and I am glad...for this winter has been long.
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