What does one think of when they hear this word?... a battle or two,white flags, two sides,...one does not fair so well...yes, I read too much.....
I shudder usually...this word does not come easily to my soul. I know, I know....most people know the quiet, shy, reserved, ladylike me...many do not get to see the intensely stubborn streak I have under my facade of femininity. And surrender never has and perhaps never will come easily to me...even in the face of the Lord asking of me for trust and confidence...
Amusing as He may see it, this little lady fighting against Him, I have never taken much of what he has asked of me lightly. I worry, I complain, I fight, every step of the way...You would think I may have learned by now that fighting such battles actually does more damage to me! Hahaha, not so...again, I am stubborn. But, lately...the past half a year or so, I have known the peace of letting go of my worry, my schedule and my heart ( my most guarded possession...) and trusting him. Okay...No, I have not had a miraculous saint-like experience. St. Theresa is WAY ahead of me...
I miss Rome....
I still fight, argue, stubbornly cross my arms and do the famous eyebrow raise in question....but really, I have loved feeling of peace, sitting in Adoration and almost physically placing all that worry, guilt, frustration, and skepticism on that pristine altar for Him to see and acknowledge and then say..."I see what you are, I see what you desire, I will give you what you need..." and then, he does...usually pretty quickly too....it has been a long journey, and will be longer still...but I am surrendering......slowly.....:)
She walks in beauty, like the night,
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
and all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face,
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek and o'er that brow
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,—
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.
~ Lord Byron
(perhaps not the best poet to describe this, but I think it does it well...)
I am hoping to soon be at residence at the Citadel of the Immaculata...a house here started by a lovely group of young women dedicated to the Mary the Immaculate Conception. With all the recent trouble in my house and my struggle with the culture of this world around me...I can not tell you how wonderful this opportunity would be! I have had a great devotion to Mary since I was a child, much like the Little Flower in who's household I belonged at University. And now, again, I hear God's call to keep me close to him by making me again a part of a collection of souls dedicated to his Mother! I am so in peace knowing that this will be a balm after the battles of the last year...
We all get to pick names of Our Lady Mother who we will be represented by...I have two options of which I could pick...and will tell everyone later...;)
But for now...Ave Maria Regina!!!!
I love the old movies from the thirties and forties, and the women portrayed in those films...So classic and beautiful, yet not really the "damsel in distress" types per say. They had just come through a Depression and a World War and were now living a different life than their mothers had...they hard learned what a hard life was, and were now living everyday....
So as I sip my coffee(reheated), listen to Cole Porter on Pandora(free, duh), watching my laundry dry on the line hanging across my room(I am soooo not paying $2.00 to dry my clothes), pondering my current situation with my apartment and moving (due to some shady double dealing)...
I just think of all those similar scenes in those movies, where the women did not lose their class and used their intellect and ingenuity so gifted to women, and persevered through all...and of course fell in love with Cary Grant in the process...;) Sigh...going to put on my black open toed pumps and some red lipstick now and find somewhere that serves cheap martinis...I will persevere and look classy doing it!
I am home with a cold, which I usually love to be home...home on a rainy, green spring day with the birds softly calling from the branches outside my window.
Home, well I suppose I am at my house, which I never have considered my home...just a transitory place I sleep for now, yet I always convert theses places into beautiful nests per say...I love to decorate them, and I always need somewhere to escape to, always..
Being an introvert by nature, I need these places as much as food and water...really. Which is probably why I have not been able to be truly serene these last years. I have no place that is my own, that I know I am safe and can be left alone...sigh. I have found strength these last few months, but not serenity...something I believe I will always be searching for...
Melodramatic? Perhaps...but that is just me. If you ask any of my childhood friends about my bedroom growing up, most of them would describe it as walking into another world...a world of beauty and fantasy...unlike the rest of the world. My little tower room...:) I did this to find rest from my LARGE family and to nurture my personality and dreams. I have not had much opportunity to do so lately, as I find myself struggling to be what the world wants of me...someone I probably will never be.. Ah, me...would I have been born a century ago, no, several centuries ago...:) My only requirement would have been to furnish, decorate, run, and love my home...
Hmmm...perhaps some of you out there, if any, are wondering at my choice of colors
I used purple writing, not because I am very girly and cutesy and go by nicknames like Candy or Muffin...
...but because ever since I was very little and began my exploration into the worlds of my writing...I have always written in purple ink...whether it be ball point, or bottled ink that smells of violets(my favorite flower :), purple has represented a part of me that is very personal...hence the purple fonts...
Now, if only I could get a hold of some real vellum to write upon...;)
And now that I changed the format of my blog....this no longer applies..however I shall still write in purple on paper...:)
Welcome to my solar...well for those of you not interested in medieval jargon, welcome to my living room...complete with a large stone hearth, glasses of wine or mead depending on your preference, and sleeping hounds of war...or couches and cups of tea...
I am attempting to start this to store my ramblings along this journey called life, and record my thoughts and conversations with others...as a librarian by trade I hear and discuss many things; some interesting, some just bizarre...
So welcome, and I hope to converse soon...